


So Spiderman and Batman Walk into a Bar

by Totoro



Series: Falling in Love for Dummies [1]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Bad Pick-Up Lines, Boyd is talked about, But not really in the story, Derek’s also a bit of a nerd, Drinking, M/M, Stiles Stilinski Doesn't Know About Werewolves, Stiles’s a nerd
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-19
Updated: 2015-02-19
Packaged: 2018-03-09 23:18:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3268013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Totoro/pseuds/Totoro
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stiles gets drunk and Erica drags Derek to the bar.</p><p> <br/>“Scott, Scott, just listen man. That guy over there, yes the one that looks like he could kill me, I’m gonna do him so hard man.” Stiles grabbed Scott’s face and turned him in the direction of the man he was talking about, almost elbowing his drink over in the process. “Do you see him? Or am I just hallucinating that hot piece of man flesh?"</p><p>Scott beat away Stiles’s hands and recoiled. “Please Stiles for the love of God, never ever use the term man flesh where I can hear again. I’m begging you, that shit’s just disturbing."</p>
            </blockquote>





	So Spiderman and Batman Walk into a Bar

“Scott, Scott, just listen man. That guy over there, yes the one that looks like he could kill me, I’m gonna do him so hard man.” Stiles grabbed Scott’s face and turned him in the direction of the man he was talking about, almost elbowing his drink over in the process. “Do you see him? Or am I just hallucinating that hot piece of man flesh?"

Scott beat away Stiles’s hands and recoiled. “Please Stiles for the love of God, never  _ever_ use the term man flesh where I can hear again. I’m begging you, that shit’s just disturbing."

At that Stiles thunked his head down on the wooden bar and sighed. He was already three drinks in on a Friday night and they’d only been at the bar for a half an hour. Earlier in the day he had gotten reamed out by his boss for messing up the cake delivery order for one of their customers (personally he felt the Power Rangers cake improved the wedding but apparently he was the only one). And so Scott being the wonderful best friend he was decided to take Stiles out for a night on the town. Stiles, however, was well on his way to becoming shit-faced, the boy couldn’t hold his alcohol for the life of him, and decided that now was a good time to go hit on the scary guy from across the bar. Well, Scott thought he was scary, Stiles thought his scowl was the perfect combination of sexy and more sexy.

“On a scale from one to ten, what do you think are the chances of me getting rejected?” Stiles mumbled into the wood. “I could work with, like, a seven, but a eight’s getting a little risky. Knowing me it’d probably be like an eleven.” He picked up his head and looked soulfully into Scott’s eyes. “You would tell me right buddy? Do you think I’m a catch?"

Scott patted Stiles on the back and smiled encouragingly at him “You know I do man. If you go and ask that guy out and he turns you down, I’ll beat him up for you. How ‘bout that?"

Stiles’s eyes went wide and he shook his head vigorously. “No Scott, he could kill you! He looks like he has more strength in his pinky finger than you do in your whole body! I mean, just look at those biceps, just wow. Damn, those are some sexy ass biceps. Fuck me sideways on a bicycle, he could hold me up with those arms, and while he’s holding me up we could  _do_ things, like  _sexy_ things…"

Scott flagged down the bartender and sighed, “I am  _so_  not drunk enough for this."

 

* * *

 

Derek would have never come out tonight if he had the choice. That choice, however, was taken away from him as soon as Erica slammed into his apartment earlier in the evening and proclaimed they were going drinking. Clearly she was pissed, and by the way she was checking her phone every couple minutes then huffing and shoving it back in her purse, Derek’s willing to bet she had a fight with Boyd. He’s been slowly trying to get her to open up about it, because the sooner she lets go and tells him the sooner he can go home. Those efforts, however, took a serious dip as soon as these two boys, men really, walked into the bar about a half an hour ago. It was really only one of them that caught Derek’s eye though.

This guy was all long limbs that he seemed to have not quite gotten the hang of using yet, and he was loud. Man was he loud. Derek wouldn’t have needed werewolf hearing to listen to this guy rant about his crappy day. For now though he tried to tune them out and focus on what Erica was saying.

“I just can’t believe him, you know. I spend the entire day cleaning our apartment and baking those stupid muffins his mother likes, and when his mom finally shows up she spends the entire evening being passive aggressive to me and Boyd does nothing about it. I can’t stay in the same house as that woman.” She turned to Derek and jabbed him in the chest with her finger, "I’m staying the night at your place, no arguments,” she added before he could protest. “Isn’t it the alpha’s job to make sure his betas are happy, hmm?"

They both knew it didn’t really work like that, but Derek let it go with a sigh. “Fine Erica, you can stay the night at my place, but only tonight. Work out what ever issues you have with Boyd’s mother tomorrow. And now that that’s settled, can we please go home?” 

“Nope,” she said, popping the p, “ _I_ came out here to get drunk and that’s what  _I’ll_ be doing.” To punctuate her words she downed the rest of the drink that was sitting in front of her and motioned at the bartender for another.

“You know you’d have to practically drink out this whole bar to get drunk right?” Derek asked with a sigh.

She gave him a grin that really made him wonder how people couldn’t tell they weren’t completely human and said, “Well I better get started then."

It was at that point where he noticed the two guys from across the bar were making motions towards him and talking in hushed tones. Curious, Derek listened in-

_“...If you go and ask that guy out and he turns you down, I’ll beat him up for you. How ‘bout that?"_

_“No Scott, he could kill you! He looks like he has more strength in his pinky finger than you do in your whole body! I mean, just look at those biceps, just wow. Damn, those are some sexy ass biceps. Fuck me sideways on a bicycle, he could hold me up with those arms, and while he’s holding me up we could_ do _things, like_ sexy _things…"_

 _”I am_ so _not drunk enough for this."_

Derek quickly turned away from their conversation, his ears turning pink from what that guy said. He looked to Erica to try and distract himself from their conversation, but luck was not on his side tonight for she had heard what they said too.

“Oh my God, this is perfect! I needed some entertainment tonight, and it looks like that guy is just your type: skinny, tall, kind of nerdy looking. You should totally ask him out, show him exactly what those  _sexy_ _biceps_ of yours can do,” she added with a cackle.

Derek, unintentionally mirroring Scott’s actions, flagged down the bartender and said, “I need more alcohol."

 

* * *

 

“I’m gonna do it Scott. I’m gonna go over there and ask Hot Bar Guy out, and he’s gonna say yes, then were gonna head back to my place and bang. This plan is foolproof, I’m telling ya.” Stiles braced his arms against the bar top and pushed himself up from his stool, swaying a bit on his feet. Scott gave him an encouraging thumbs up, not really sober enough to think how this might not be the best ‘plan’ to win over Hot Bar Guy.

“I will be _right_ here dude,” he said pointing towards the floor. “Just like, wave if you need me. I’ll be watching like a hawk. Laser focus man, laser focus.”  

Stiles nodded his head and turned, muttering, “You can do this, you can do this,” under his breath. He made his way towards the guy, bumping into people as he went.

“Sorry, sorry. ‘Scuse me. Pardon. Oh, sorry, I’m sure that wine will come out of your shirt. Coming through, man on a mission people.” By the time he made it to the other side of the bar half of the patrons were already watching him, but Hot Bar Guy seemed to be doing anything in his power to not look at Stiles. The girl next to him however was smiling at him in such a way that made him wanna turn tail and run. He powered through though, never let it be said Stiles has a self-preservation instinct.

By the time he reached H.B.G. (Hot Bar Guy), the guy had a flush up his neck and his ears were bright red. "Seems like this guy’s had a little bit too much to drink," Stiles mumbled. “Maybe I should go easy on the Stilinski charm, don’t wanna overwhelm the poor dude.” The lady next to H.B.G. spit out her drink right after he said that.  _W_ _eird_ , he thought.

He shrugged and approached the guy, leaning his hip against the bar in an attempt for casual. “Excuse me but, are you a burger? Cause you can be the meat between my buns,” Stiles proclaimed with a wink for added affect. H.B.G. stared at him with a scandalized look on his face, and the woman next to him broke the glass in her hand. 

“Oh shit! I’m just gonna,” she gestured behind her towards the bathrooms with barely contained laughter. She stumbled up from her seat and started backing away. “Have fun you two,” and with that she lost it and walked away from the pair with her shoulders shaking in laughter.

 _What the heck’s up with her_ _?_   _Whatever_ , Stiles thought with a shrug and turned back to H.B.G. “Wow, someone must have shot you with their phaser set on ‘stunning’. Why don’t we head back to my place so I can show you what a real Jedi can do with his light-saber?"

At this point H.B.G.’s face was a nice shade of red, but he did find it in him to say, “Did you seriously just mix Star Trek and Star Wars pickup lines?”

“Yes I did and at this point I am too drunk and you are too hot for me too care, and I am totally going to regret it in the morning. But you know what I won’t regret in the morning? Getting funky with Hot Bar Guy,” he accentuated with a wiggle of his eyebrows.

“Derek,” H.B.G. said, “my name’s Derek… and you are?"

“Oh, that’s right! The name’s Stilinski, Stiles Stilinski. Know it’s a bit unusual, but just go with it.” Stiles stuck out his hand to Derek and stared at him with this dopey grin until Derek caved in and shook it. “Now that we’ve got those pesky introductions out of the way, how about I buy you a drink.” Derek just gave Stiles a blank stare in return. “Please? It won’t kill you, and if by the time you finish the drink you still want me to go, I’ll be gone, no questions asked. I might cry a little, but we can all ignore that for the sake of my manhood, right?” 

With a sigh Derek shook his head and agreed, “Fine, one drink. But that’s all I’m giving you."

Stiles’s grin grew wider if that was even possible and he plunked down onto the vacant seat next to Derek. “Excuse me, bartender,” he said with a wave towards the man, “I’ll have one margarita deluxe and one Stella please."

“Should have known you’d go for that one,” Derek muttered. This bar was famous locally for it’s margarita deluxe, which was pretty much a fishbowl filled with a margarita that had enough tequila in it to down an elephant. While Derek may not have gotten drunk off of it, he definitely would feel it. Great. 

“Sooo,” the guy, Stiles, began (what the heck kind of name was Stiles anyway?), “you caught my not so subtle Star Trek/Star Wars reference. You a fan?” he asked with his elbow resting on the bar and his head propped up by his hand.

“I guess so,” that was a huge understatement but nobody had to know that, “but I lean more towards the Star Trek side.” Oh God, he could hear Erica laughing from the back of the bar saying she wouldn’t mind going back to her and Boyd’s if Derek got some. Why did he agree to go out tonight with her again?

His attention was brought back to Stiles when he made a considerate sound. “Hmmm, I can work with that. I mean, while Star Wars is way better in every practical sense, Star Trek does have its perks. None are coming to the mind at the moment, but I’m sure that they exist."

And with that Erica was forgotten and Derek turned his full attention towards Stiles. “Oh come on, you’ve got to be kidding me! Star Wars is so overrated. They keep getting worse with every addition while the new Star Trek movies are rocking it. Star Trek was the original space sci-fi, coming out like eleven years before the first Star Wars novel was even released."

Stiles stared at him with his mouth opening and closing. Derek just raised an eyebrow as if to ask ‘can’t think of anything to say?’. Before Stiles could make his rebuttal though, the bartender came and placed an obscenely large drink in-between the two plus the beer and said, “Enjoy your drinks boys.” Derek pulled the drink towards him while looking at Stiles and took a long sip of it, holding back a cough. Man this stuff was strong.

“We will continue this later mister. I am  _so_ not through with you yet,” Stiles added with a waggle of his finger at Derek. Derek totally took it as a sign of defeat from him, but in all honesty he was probably just too drunk to come up with an argument. In reality though, Derek didn’t dislike Star Wars at all really, he just like riling Stiles up apparently.

“So Mr. Star Trek man, besides shitting on one of the greatest pop culture franchises ever, what else do you like to do in your free time?” Stiles gave him a slow once over, pausing on his chest and shoulders. "By the looks of it, you probably live at the gym, with a professional modeling gig on the side. Now how close am I?"

“Not even in the ball park.” Its not like Derek could tell him his job was being alpha of a small pack of werewolves and all his money came from his dead family.

“Aww, tell me then.” Derek shook his head. “A hint?” Radio silence. “Not even a hint man, come on! Fine then, I’m just gonna stick with a grumpy model who spends more time at the gym than is probably good for him."

“Fine by me. Keeps the mystery alive,” he added with a waggle of his hands and an eye roll so impressive Stiles thought his eyes might actually roll back into his head.

Derek smirked and took a sip of his drink. At this point in time Derek had already knocked back half of his drink, and was well on his way to finishing it and going the fuck home when he heard Erica’s voice purr out from back by the bathrooms, “I swear to God Derek, if you don’t go home with that hot piece of ass tonight and do dirty, dirty things to him you’d be ashamed to tell even me about, I will personally ensure that the next time Boyd’s mother is in town I will come to you for every single one of my complaints. You won’t have one minute of free time.” Derek sighed. If there was one thing he knew, it was that Erica was good on her word.

He glanced over at Sties and gave him a once over. He was cute, and Erica was right by pegging him his type. And worse come to worse, if he really didn’t want to have sex with the guy he could always just leave and face the consequences later. Who knows, maybe he’ll enjoy himself. 

With that decided Derek shoved his chair back and shrugged his jacket on. He turned towards the door and glanced over his shoulder towards Stiles, then tilted his head towards the door. “Come on, we're taking my car."

He turned to start walking and heard Stiles trip over himself in trying to get up too fast, along with the awed holy shit that came out of his mouth. He grinned and continued towards the door. 

 _Let’s see where this goes,_ he thought.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I decided to make this a series. Any mistakes made are mine, and you can just let me know (if you want to) down in the comments or by messaging me. Come check out my tumblr at http://assholocracy.tumblr.com (I still have no clue how to link things I should really google it).


End file.
